


Sarenrae Needs Dick!

by bboiseux



Series: Critical Role Relationship Week 2018 [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Cleric bonding time, CritRole RSWeek 2018, Drinking, Gen, Just setting up two gods, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, Sarenrae, frank discussions of sex, that's all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 19:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14983835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bboiseux/pseuds/bboiseux
Summary: Caught alone by a roadside ambush, Jester is saved by a gnomish stranger, Pike Trickfoot.  Traveling with Pike, Jester comes up with a great idea: they should set up Sarenrae and the Traveler on a date!For Relationship Week 2018Reading Time:abt 10 mins.





	Sarenrae Needs Dick!

**Author's Note:**

> This story is dedicated to Laura Bailey's dirty mind.

“Sounds like Sarenrae needs dick!”

The tea Pike had been drinking went spraying into the campfire.  “What?” she rasped, the rest of the tea halfway down her throat.

Jester waved her hand casually.  “Or, you know, pussy or a hand or tongue or dildo or whatever works for her.”

Pike was full on coughing now as she tried to clear the tea from her windpipe.

They hadn’t met under happy circumstances.  Jester had been traveling to meet her friends in Westruun after they had been separated on the way to Tal’dorei.  Pike had been returning home from overseeing the construction of a small temple in Stilben.  She had first seen Jester on the ground, surrounded by orc raiders, being cut to pieces.  Getting rid of the orcs had been easy.  Bringing Jester back had not.  The spirit was willing, but the body was badly damaged.  After the ritual, Pike had set up camp at that spot and passed out.  She had not even had time to hope there were no more raiders in the area.

When she woke up, the little blue tiefling girl was still unconscious, but that didn’t last for long.  She shot up with a “Holy shit!” during breakfast and the soreness of her body hadn’t slowed the mouth down since.  Pike had to admit she kind of loved it. It reminded her of the playful curiosity of Ylorca back home but tinged with a bit of Scanlan’s vulgarity (that Pike suspected Ylorca would have when she grew up.  She could already see the Kaylie in the girl).  Plus, the girl could apparently arm wrestle.  When they discovered they were heading in the same direction, it was natural that they travel together.  After all, as Jester had said, “Two clerics would fuck shit up!”

So they traveled and they talked.  Pike about her family and her friends and Sarenrae.  Jester about her mama, her friends, and the Traveler.  And then, one night, they had talked more about religion.  More specifically, they talked in depth about the nature of gods—where they lived, what they believed, what they were like.  Pike got the feeling that Jester had never really learned about religion so much as just stumbled into it.  She spoke about the Traveler more like an imaginary friend than a god.  Where Pike had always struggled with what Sarenrae meant to her and her own personal role in Sarenrae’s vision for the world, Jester talked about the Traveler as if he was with her constantly.  Pike had to admit that she was a bit jealous of such a close relationship.  She had had to travel to Sarenrae to truly experience her glory, but Jester seemed to experience the very being of the Traveler every day.  It reawakened old feelings of insecurity that she had thought long healed.

Which is why she was talking about meeting Sarenrae beyond the Divine Gate.  “. . . It really was amazing.  So powerful, but also so sad.  I could see in that smile that there was, uh, a lot of weight on her shoulders.  Which sounds stupid now that I say it.  I mean, she’s a god.  But it struck me that she was lonely.”

Pike looked across the campfire and sipped at her tea.

Which is when Jester loudly proclaimed, “Sounds like Sarenrae needs dick!”

When she was done spluttering, Pike said, “Well, I don’t like to dismiss ideas so . . . maybe say a little more about that?”

Jester leaned in excitedly.  “Oh, it’s easy!  If you are feeling really tense or things are really getting you down, you just rub one out and you feel better!  And if you can get someone else to do it for you really good, then it’s even better!”  She was grinning.

Pike was dancing around this conversation.  “Yeah, okay, I can see that—”

“I mean, you must have played some drums in your time.”  Jester’s eyebrows had gone positively saucy.   “Pet the pussy? Tickled the rose?  Smacked the pony?”  If she had been sitting next to Pike, she would have been giving her a suggestive nudge.

Pike raised an eyebrow.  “I’ve masturbated, yes.  I’ve also had sex.  But gods are not the same as us.”

Jester blew a raspberry.  “Sure they are.  They’re just, like, super powerful.  Doesn’t mean they don’t want to bone.  They just get super busy.  I bet if this Vecna guy you were telling me about had been getting any he wouldn’t have wanted to take over the world.”

Pike gave Jester a long look and then broke into laughter.  “Right.  If only we could have convinced Delilah to give him a blow—” She waved it off. “I can tell tea isn’t going to be enough for tonight.  Do you drink?”  She pulled out a bottle from her pack.  “My Pee-Pop used to make this.   I hold onto this for special occasions.”

She poured some of the dark liquid into two cups and passed one across the way.

Jester took a sip and shivered into the kick.  “I think you are my favorite cleric ever.  You are so cool.”

Pike felt the flush at her cheeks.  “Oh, well, thank you.  But I believe we were talking about gods fucking.”

Jester downed the rest of the drink in one pass and wiped the remnants off her lip.  “All I’m saying is that gods have to do a lot of stuff and they must get super stressed, right?  And if they are all alone, how do they relieve that stress?  I know the Traveler is always bouncing around the world making people happy and—” Jester let out a squeak.  “Oh!  Oh!  I know what we should do!  We should get the Traveler and Sarenrae together!  Then they could totally” Jester made a noise that sounded something like “bum-chicka-wow-wow” while waggling her eyebrows.

“Even supposing that’s a good idea . . .” Pike shot Jester a skeptical look.  “. . . and I don’t say that it is.  How would you even set up a god?”

“That’s the easy part!”  Jester reached into her pack and pulled out a book.  “All we have to do is tell the Traveler where Sarenrae is and he can go get things started.  We can draw him a picture in my book!”

“Okaaaay.  How does a book help us with that?”

“This is one of the ways I pray to him.  I draw him all sorts of fun pictures of my day, so he can laugh!”

Pike took a sip and reached out a hand.  “Let me see.”

Jester handed it over and Pike flipped through the pages.  She smiled as she went.

“These are actually pretty good.”

“My mama insisted that I learn all sorts of art.”

“Well, your mama did right.”  She squinted at the page.  “You know, I knew this weird Archfey that used to draw things just like this.”  She handed the book back.  “So you draw in this and the Traveler can . . . see them?”

“Yep.  I can talk to him sometimes too, but he’s not always listening, so it’s better to right things down.”

Pike nodded.  “I’m never certain if Sarenrae hears me.”  She took a swig of the liquor and savored the burn as it traveled down her throat.  “So what would you draw to tell the Traveler about Sarenrae?”

Jester giggled.  “A picture of Sarenrae, of course!”  Jester fished out her pen and ink from the back and laid the book out on her lap.  “You tell me what she looks like and I’ll draw her.”

Pike shrugged.  It was one way to kill the night.  “Well, she has deep brown skin and her hair is light . . . .”

They went back and forth for a while, Pike giving details, Jester asking questions and then sketching on the page until the cycle started again.  Finally, Jester carefully patted down the page and turned it to Pike for her appraisal.

“Does that look like her?”

Pike looked over the carefully inked head.  It was the perfect vision of Sarenrae, even down to the slight look of sadness that tinged her face.  Pike shook her head.  “You really do have a talent, Jester.”

Jester clapped her hands and grabbed the book back.  “So it’s good?”

“It really is.”

“Then I’ll start working on the full picture for the Traveler!  Oh, this is so much fun.  I’ve never been able to give the Traveler a gift like this.”

Pike stood up and patted Jester on the shoulder.  “I don’t think this is going to turn out the way you think it is, but anything that puts a smile on that face can’t be too bad.  Can you take first watch while you work?”

Jester, bent over her journal, nodded a distracted yes.

Pike sat back down. “Well, maybe I’ll just stay up a little longer to keep my eyes on things.”

“Mmhmm.”

A little later, Jester had fallen asleep at her notebook and Pike gently woke her up and walked her to the tent.  “You get some sleep.  I’ll finish up the night watch and you take over for a bit in the morning.”

Jester murmured an answer that Pike assumed was an okay and immediately collapsed into sleep.

When Pike went back to the campfire, she saw that Jester had left her journal and inks out.  She quickly sealed the bottles and cleaned off the brush and then went to scoop up the journal.  It was still open to the page that Jester had been working on.

Pike blushed.

The drawing wasn’t just a full page, but a two-page spread.  And spread was the right word.  Etched carefully on the page in a rainbow of inks was the form of Sarenrae, mouth open in ecstasy as a hooded figure kneeled with his head between her open legs.  Pike was a bit surprised that Jester hadn’t been even more explicit.  The head very politely covered what Pike assumed was Sarenrae’s, well, pussy.

It was a very nice picture, artistically speaking.

Pike fanned herself.  “Whew.  Makes me want to get home a little faster.”

There was a deep chuckle and, for a moment, Pike swore she could make out a whisper by her left ear.  “It is quite appealing.  What a thoughtful gift.”  And then it was gone.

Pike spun around, her mace at the ready.  There was nothing but emptiness and darkness around the camp.  After a tense moment of listening and looking, she let the mace swing to the ground and leaned on it, tapping a finger on the pommel.  She considered the darkness, then considered the journal.  Her face crinkled up into deep remembrances.

“Artagan?”

**Author's Note:**

> I am also [bboiseux on tumblr](https://bboiseux.tumblr.com/).
> 
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